what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
