Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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