An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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