he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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