I can't watch pbs sober anymore
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
