Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
