Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
