Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
