Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
