I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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