I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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