Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
