from now on my penis is your penis
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
