I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
