Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
