dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
