Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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