What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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