I accidentally had phone sex last night
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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