don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
