No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
