You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
