I'm gonna have a badass scar
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
