Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
