Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
