is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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