i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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