It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
