Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
