he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I could fuck to npr.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
