I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
