Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
