I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
