my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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