If that was your dad, he is hot
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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