Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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