I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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