OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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