Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
