last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
