May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
