I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
