Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
