this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
