if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
