I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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