I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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