Me. At least after what I've been through.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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