I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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