she looked like the before picture.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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