now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
