That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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